How Do I Love Thee?
I fell in love, and oh yes,
I was in love desperately, desperately, that's the key note. I fell in
love because I told myself I wanted to make HIM happy, I babied and
pampered and lived for him alone, why? Because he loved me? Oh no,
because I wanted to have one person love me and me alone, to be mine. How
possessive can you get? Anyway, with that technique I could have fastened
on any man and won him, but I had to pick on someone like Jere. Because he
needed me, or so I thought. Like marrying a drunkard and expecting him to
be reformed by love alone, I thought I could soften his tempers and his
moods. Hah! Why oh why does wisdom only come with age, experience and
living! I wanted him and I got him, and why not? At the psychological
moment I came along, made no demands, was fun to be with, listened with
rapt attention for all those pearls of wisdom to fall from his lips, gave
my attention, my love, helped with the upkeep, kept the home, sure, it was
a snap for any man, and any man would have snapped it upů
Day by Day I watch my love grow stronger: 1934
I care for him, I really do. I want to do things for him, make him content.
Oh, above everything, I want to mother him, he is so close to my heart,
so deep in my conscience if he were a child of my own conceiving I could
not care more. He means everything just everything to me.
Now that dream has come true! He has at least noticed me. He kissed me
"good night"! Is it just the beginning or only a gesture? I have
lived for this moment, and I treasure it.
That was sweet, sweet and peaceful holding him like that. To stroke him
and feel that he's quite, quite at ease and knowing he likes it. ..
There was a time I faltered down dark ways
And felt I could no longer bear to live
When one had gone, who filled my days
With benediction love alone can give
I am familiar, too, with goading pain
That breaks the will, and fear to me is known
And bleak despair that finds no shred of gain
For futile empty years the mind must own!
I just can't get away from him. I can't. I care so very very much. Every
time I step out of the house I instinctively walk there. I can't wait
for one day to the next and feel lost if I can't go.
I see it's a habit with me now, and God knows I don't want to break it.
It's all I have. And I live for the moment. It's so beautiful as it is,
I wish it would go on all eternity.
God how I care! What price my thoughts
If I can capture just a little of his [shine].
God! But I care so much it almost hurts
To know I lost myself in him.
I gave my soul to be a part of his
That I may understand and soothe his anxiety
If he is happy, it is all I ask
To be his Marthe and [Marier]! My litany
... If I can only make him happy. My daily refrain! But I love to cuddle
him like that, knowing it means something to him [now give radio?]
He needs me so much right now, more than ever, to help his ambitions and
curb his moroseness. He is so moody it taxes all my patience.
"Every time I see you I love you more"
Oh my dear, if only time weren't so short, if I only could be near
you always. I do hate to part from you even for a night and a day. I love
Oh Lord Buddha, forsake me not!
I was so disappointed! And yet I could only forgive and forget...It was
quite beyond (my power). I couldn't reach him and how that hurt.
Lord knows I don't have to live with him to know him, there's no phase
of his character left hidden anymore. It rather simplifies matters and
he seemed to reach that conclusion too!
I won't take his proposal quite serious yet, although we both seem to
take the fact more or less for granted. But it's all so very hopeless
But there's always a tomorrow, a lighter tomorrow, as the Gods will it.
Oh but I missed him today ever so much. Here I was alternately in seventh
heaven of contemplation and in the deepest dumps of loneliness.
"And I do love you!"
Oh wasn't this just heavenly, divine! If I could only hold him like this
forever. I am asking so very little, as he said it takes only a little
to make me happy, and for the first time we had been really alone and
comfortable. We had such a deep comprehensive conversation. Music and
books. I enjoyed that more than anything else. Give and take! Such a comradeship
is so satisfying and oh so essential. Whenever minds run so pretty much
in the same channel is it any wonder we care such a great deal for each
other. Is not Man the crown of Creation, and woman the Jewel; and either
incomplete without the other!
...I want him so much it'll be an effort even to wait one single year.
I wonder if he is thinking as I am, he must, he's only human, You can't
love somebody and be satisfied with kisses. We're not children any more
and it has to be taken into consideration. [Quis que tandem?]
"If I could make your heart the happiest anywhere
Then I'd be happy too, because
That's just how much I care
"You must never fail me...never!"
But I do love him so, love him for himself alone, he is
mine now, and I will do anything in my power to make life as he wishes
it. That is my mission and I shall not, can not fail.
My shoulders are so strong I must carry both our loads, I must be the
one stable thing he can cling to and come to for peace and rest. Oh, it
will be hard sometimes, I'm no plaster saint myself, but for his sake
and mine I must succeed in attaining that state of mind.
Lover, hold me tender, I surrender!
It's so perfect to be with him, alone, so very nice.
I don't ever, ever want to part from him. I've never loved anyone so completely
so absolutely as I do him, our companionship is so ardent, in any mood
we understand with perfect ease. Oh, I love him so, sometimes I'm afraid,
so very much afraid to lose him.