...If only she hadn’t come, it was not the same after, oh I could feel
it, she upset everything, all my carefully laid plans went tumbling. I
have to try all over again winning him now.
I am thoroughly ashamed of myself! Where’s my self-respect.
But he aggravated me so. Is it all over now, I wonder, all back where
we originally started from. Oh I was so angry I could have cried.
Well now I did it, now they’re sure to be displeased with
him. It’s only a supposition, but if it were true, if it were true! The
what? Oh I don’t want him to be [word scratched out very hard]
It can’t go on much longer like this, I have to do something.
Even if I [ emitrall] myself somewhere else.
I was shocked after what she told me! Oh
how could he do it, how could he, and here I thought…oh it’s so
disappointing! I could hardly wait to see him and find there was nothing I
could do about it after all, so what else could I do but drop it?...
...I won’t take his proposal quite serious yet, although
we both seem to take the fact more or less for granted. But it’s all so
very hopeless as yet.
“And he served for seven years…!”
Six years—God I can’t wait that long. I just can’t,
there must be a way out.
We would be so happy if we were together. I know I make
him so, and can keep [him] happy always. And he really must get out of
his environments if he were to get more contented. The relief I bring
him is only temporary, and I’m afraid the following out [trusts must than
Come to think of it, our courtship is somewhat unusual.
Luckily his mother is so broadminded. But I do love those [intimate] moments
with him and it seems to be an established fact in his family now, that
we are keeping company. How nice that sounds “keeping company” and so
God what am I to do? It gets more complicated every time
we talk about it. I hate to have him so hopeless and discouraged. I’m
so afraid of saying or doing the wrong things but he’s such an [intricate]
person if you let him drift too deep into a thought it’s so hard to extricate
him. Is it just his present mood that made him look at it so pessimistic
or will it be always like that. He takes everything so seriously and is
so impatient when his ideas are not accomplished in a reasonably short
length of time. Rome was not built in a day and one does not attach oneself
for life inside so short a time as a few months. And who knows where a
year will find us. A year is the time limit I set myself. Then we [trust]
for [sure] and are most likely in a position to judge definitely whether
to say “I do” and mean it to be forever.
I’ve been so disappointed! And I’d looked forward to this
meeting. But who knows, perhaps it’s just as well. If I only knew of a
way to let him know.
I know as he does, it is wrong to tempt like this, but
it is so sweet, we, he as well as I, just can’t resist. I love him so
and it is the most comforting sensation to know we’re both in love with
one another. Some one to live for, who cares what a [spoor]. I want him
to try ever so hard to attain his goal and I’m somewhat dubious whether
I’m doing just the right thing. Do I adore him too much, will I kill his
love with too much kindness? He doesn’t like me to, I know, but I can’t
help it, yet I mustn’t show it too often… A good stiff argument once in
a while a [looking] up of my own will is absolutely called for and essential.
Always remember it takes a good storm every once so often to clear the
air. That’s why I simply must study what he studies, I must be capable
to follow him—all the way through. We’re partners, and always will be.
Not just sweethearts but companions.