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Death of a Blythe Spirit

Chapters

The Letter

First Sib Meeting

Dreams of Love

Family Origins

The Making of a Batterer

I Care for Him!


Barriers

Keeping Company

What Price Love?

Wedded Bliss?

The Honeymoon

Newlyweds

The Honeymoon's Over

The Babies Come

Home Sweet Home

Moving Again

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Other Mat'ls

Thoughts on Mother's Poetry

Mother's Essays

Penny's Vampire Chronicles

Gina's story fragment

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How Do I Love Thee?

I have often thought that girls ought to be locked up from age 15 to 25--they do the stupidest things then, all for love. Twenty years later, in hindsight, Mother wrote this amazing self-appraisal:
 

I fell in love, and oh yes, I was in love desperately, desperately, that's the key note. I fell in love because I told myself I wanted to make HIM happy, I babied and pampered and lived for him alone, why?  Because he loved me?  Oh no, because I wanted to have one person love me and me alone, to be mine. How possessive can you get?  Anyway, with that technique I could have fastened on any man and won him, but I had to pick on someone like Jere. Because he needed me, or so I thought. Like marrying a drunkard and expecting him to be reformed by love alone, I thought I could soften his tempers and his moods. Hah!  Why oh why does wisdom only come with age, experience and living!  I wanted him and I got him, and why not?  At the psychological moment I came along, made no demands, was fun to be with, listened with rapt attention for all those pearls of wisdom to fall from his lips, gave my attention, my love, helped with the upkeep, kept the home, sure, it was a snap for any man, and any man would have snapped it upů

 

It's hard to fight Nature though, and survival of the species dictates that girls will latch on to boys and make babies. From the time Mother set her cap for my father, her diary talked of nothing but 'love.' Below are excerpts from January and February, 1934.

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Day by Day I watch my love grow stronger: 1934

January 16
I care for him, I really do. I want to do things for him, make him content. Oh, above everything, I want to mother him, he is so close to my heart, so deep in my conscience if he were a child of my own conceiving I could not care more. He means everything just everything to me.
 

January 21
Now that dream has come true! He has at least noticed me. He kissed me "good night"! Is it just the beginning or only a gesture? I have lived for this moment, and I treasure it.
 

January 23
That was sweet, sweet and peaceful holding him like that. To stroke him and feel that he's quite, quite at ease and knowing he likes it. ..
 

Memoranda:
There was a time I faltered down dark ways
And felt I could no longer bear to live
When one had gone, who filled my days
With benediction love alone can give
I am familiar, too, with goading pain
That breaks the will, and fear to me is known
And bleak despair that finds no shred of gain
For futile empty years the mind must own!
 

February 3
I just can't get away from him. I can't. I care so very very much. Every time I step out of the house I instinctively walk there. I can't wait for one day to the next and feel lost if I can't go.
 

February 5
I see it's a habit with me now, and God knows I don't want to break it. It's all I have. And I live for the moment. It's so beautiful as it is, I wish it would go on all eternity.
 

February 6
God how I care! What price my thoughts
If I can capture just a little of his [shine].
God! But I care so much it almost hurts
To know I lost myself in him.
I gave my soul to be a part of his
That I may understand and soothe his anxiety
If he is happy, it is all I ask
To be his Marthe and [Marier]! My litany
 

February 7
... If I can only make him happy. My daily refrain! But I love to cuddle him like that, knowing it means something to him [now give radio?]
 
He needs me so much right now, more than ever, to help his ambitions and curb his moroseness. He is so moody it taxes all my patience.
 

February 8
"Every time I see you I love you more"
Oh my dear, if only time weren't  so short, if I only could be near you always. I do hate to part from you even for a night and a day. I love you so.
 

February 9
Oh Lord Buddha, forsake me not!
 
I was so disappointed! And yet I could only forgive and forget...It was quite beyond (my power). I couldn't reach him and how that hurt.
 
Lord knows I don't have to live with him to know him, there's no phase of his character left hidden anymore. It rather simplifies matters and he seemed to reach that conclusion too!
 
I won't take his proposal quite serious yet, although we both seem to take the fact more or less for granted. But it's all so very hopeless as yet.
 
But there's always a tomorrow, a lighter tomorrow, as the Gods will it.
 

February 10
Oh but I missed him today ever so much. Here I was alternately in seventh heaven of contemplation and in the deepest dumps of loneliness.
 

February 11
"And I do love you!"
Oh wasn't this just heavenly, divine! If I could only hold him like this forever. I am asking so very little, as he said it takes only a little to make me happy, and for the first time we had been really alone and comfortable. We had such a deep comprehensive conversation. Music and books. I enjoyed that more than anything else. Give and take! Such a comradeship is so satisfying and oh so essential. Whenever minds run so pretty much in the same channel is it any wonder we care such a great deal for each other. Is not Man the crown of Creation, and woman the Jewel; and either incomplete without the other!
 

February 12
...I want him so much it'll be an effort even to wait one single year. I wonder if he is thinking as I am, he must, he's only human, You can't love somebody and be satisfied with kisses. We're not children any more and it has to be taken into consideration. [Quis que tandem?]
 

February 13
My Valentine
"If I could make your heart the happiest anywhere
Then I'd be happy too, because
That's just how much I care
Semper fidelis!
 

February 14
"You must never fail me...never!"

But I do love him so, love him for himself alone, he is mine now, and I will do anything in my power to make life as he wishes it. That is my mission and I shall not, can not fail.
 
My shoulders are so strong I must carry both our loads, I must be the one stable thing he can cling to and come to for peace and rest. Oh, it will be hard sometimes, I'm no plaster saint myself, but for his sake and mine I must succeed in attaining that state of mind.
 

February 19

Lover, hold me tender, I surrender!

It's so perfect to be with him, alone, so very nice. I don't ever, ever want to part from him. I've never loved anyone so completely so absolutely as I do him, our companionship is so ardent, in any mood we understand with perfect ease. Oh, I love him so, sometimes I'm afraid, so very much afraid to lose him.

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 Page last updated on 05/17/2007

 

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